Facebook Jokes
- I’m Not Anti-Social I’m Anti Idiot!
- Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
- Before you take me away, i just want to update my profile picture….
- At late night wife’s mobile beeps. Husband checks her mobile and gets angry. He wakes his wife. Husband (angrily): Who is the person saying beautiful? Surprised wife checks her mobile. Wife (double angrily): Heyyy.. Use your spectacles. it is not beautiufl. it is battery full…
- It’s ok to talk to yourself, it’s even ok to answer yourself.. But when you ask yourself to repeat what you just said- you have a problem!
- Teacher: Tell me the name of any Microsoft Product? Bunty: MS Excel Lucky: MS Word Bittu: MS Powerpoint . . . . Santa after thinking a lot, “MS Dhoni” tongue emoticon
- My age is very inappropriate for my behavior..
- Facebook is like a fridge. you keep checking it, but there’s nothing good.
- A fast beating heart doesn’t always mean love…. A blushing face is not always a sign that your inlove…. Sometimes huboG lang!! Hahahaha
- Hi Sweetie how was schook Today?? you can read all about it on my facebook DAD!!!
- Free Beauty Advice for Girls… if you want A good profile picture for your facebook profile… Without wrinkles without pimples without dark Marks Use”Adobe photoshop”
- Behind every successful status update there is Ctrl+c & cntrl +V …
- What is facebook????? its a place where boy posts joke, gets no responce & if girl posts the same joke, gets 150 likes & 56 friend requests!!!!
- Being popular on facebook is like sitting at the cool table in a cafeteria at a ental hospital!!
- A fast beating heart doesnt always mean Love… A blushing face isnot always a sign that your inlove… Sometimes huboGLANG! HAHAH
- A man died and sent to Heaven. God was surprised to see his Heart still beating. . God asked him, how come? The man replied, “I’m Dead but my Wife still lives in my Heart”. ;)
- When I die I want my body to donate for research, but more specifically to a scientist who is working on bringing dead bodies back to life.
- Hey! Wanna make $$$$$$ fast? Just follow my simple instructions. 1:Hold down the Shift key 2:Press the number 4 four times. It’s that easy.
- My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!
- When your GF blocks u on facebook…… Its called an electronic divorce :)
- If people could see the face I make when I read their facebook status updates, they would probably unfriend me.
- I love it when someone’s laugh is funnier than the joke.
- Brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
- Today morning when I was driving my Ferrari, the alarm woke me up. :)
- Doctors finally figured out whats wrong with a girls brain; on the left side, there’s nothing right; and on the right side, there’s nothing left.
- We are the WTF generation: Wikipedia, Twitter and Facebook.
- It’s not true that I had nothing ON….. The radio was ON. :)
- There are two types of human beings found on Facebook. One who gets enormous amount of likes and comments on their posts. And the others are men.
- I hate when skinny girls say,”omg I’m so fat”. If you are fat does that make me a whale?
- I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Tuesday.
- The real reason women live longer than men b’coz they don’t have to live with women.
- Don’t do it in the Garden, they say love is blind but ur neighbor ain’t. :)
- Job interview: Please tell us why you’d love to work for us? ME: I need money :)
- I wonder what happens when doctor’s wife eats an apple a day. :)
- Dear Google: They are only using you to get to me. Sincerely Wikipedia
- I hate people who steal my ideas, before I think of them.
- How to make a woman go mmmmmmm all nite long? …………………….. with Duct Tape :)
- Is it rude to throw a breath mint in someone’s mouth while they are talking?
- FACT: Kissing burns 5.4 calories a minute…… Ummm, wanna work out?
- Whatever you do always give 100% ….. Unless you are donating blood :)
- I’m not weird. I’m limited edition.
- I never let my best friend do stupid things … alone.
- We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up …….. after I finish laughing :)
- I did in the bed. I did it on the couch. I did it in the car. Texting is such an obsession. :)
- Brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
- Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat. The government hates competition.
- How to sleep faster: Decorate your bedroom to look like a classroom.
- Dear parents, we know money doesn’t grow on trees, that’s why we are asking you for it.
- I’m not stalker. I am an unpaid private investigator.
- I have a date tonight, with my bed. We are totally gonna sleep together.
- Instead of single as a marital status, it should read independently, owned and operated :)
- Congratulations … You are the 100th person to view my status. To see your prize please click Control + W.
- Viagra is now available in powder form to put in your tea. It does not enhance your performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft. Lolz
- I really need a day in between Saturday and Sunday :)
- Laughing is the best medicine but if you are laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
- Question of the Day: When you wait for a waiter in a restaurant, aren’t you a waiter?
- Death is God’s way of saying you are fired. Suicide is humans way of saying, I quit.
- My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it. Lolz
- There are only two kinds of people in this world: Doctors and Patients :)
- Boyfriend: Do you think my salary is sufficient for you? Girlfriend: It’s sufficient for me but how will you survive?
- I don’t always lose my phone but when I do its always on silent :)
- We love Facebook but we hate the face of book.
- Dear math, Im not therapist so solve your own problems.
- Today’s Joke! A Girl said …….. TRUST ME :)
- The 3 fastest means of communication: telephone, television and tell a woman.
- I’m not sure how much longer I can hide the fact that I’m a robot.
- You wanna see a perfect relationship? Watch a movie. Lolz
- Dear Facebook, Just wait, one day they will leave you too. Sincerely, ORKUT
- Men are like buses. One comes every 15 minutes.
- The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
- My wifi suddenly stop working then I realized that my neighbors have not paid the bill. How irresponsible people are.
- Insert coin to view my status messages.
- Did anyone ever notice that “STUDYING” is a mixture of STUDY and DYING?
- Perfect boyfriend : Does not drink, does not smoke, does not cheat and also Does not exist :P
- Facebook is the second most popular word that starts with ‘F’ and ends with ‘K’ :)
- You dont realise how many clothes you have, until you wash them.
- Never make the same mistake twice. There are so many new ones to make.
- You have lot of curves and I have no brakes ;)
- I haven’t slept for ten days, bcoz that would be too long.
- Bitch also stands for beautiful, intelligent, talented and charming human being.
- Why do U think I SMS You? Is it because I care? Or I miss You? Or I love You? Or I need You? No ! It’s because I need a person for just time pass. :)
- If at first you don’t succeed, cheat, repeat until caught, and then lie!
- I was good at math before they decided to mix the alphabet in it.
- The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Sometimes at home I talk in my sleep, but at school I sleep while others are talking.
- I don’t understand how Super Mario can smash blocks with his head but dies when he touches a turtle.
- A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
- Taking revenge is wrong… very very wrong… But very very fun…
- Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It’s not fair that some men should be happier than others.
- A hot secretary came angrily out Of boss cabin. Her colleague asked: What Happened? You went inside in a happy mood. She replied: He asked me are you free tonight? I said absolutely free. That bastard gave me 45 pages to type!
- They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who’s in a hurry?
- Hey, you have eyes, I have eyes, we have a lot in common!
- Men are like parking spaces; The good ones are taken, and the only ones left are handicapped.
- You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories.
- Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.
- I promised my friends that I wouldn’t date bad girls anymore.
- I heard you took an IQ test and they said you’re results were negative.
- Save a horse, ride a cowboy.
- Please help the homeless. Take me home with you.
- My parents told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.
- Insert coin to view my status message.
- If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
- I thinks my neighbor just caught me stealing his Wi-Fi internet.
- It’s funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It’s like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
- Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner. :)
- Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
- I want you to have a candle-lit dinner and say those magical three words to you ………… “Pay The bill”
- My friend wants to know if you think I’m hot.
- Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
- Excuse me, if I go straight this way, will I be able to reach your heart?
- Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
- Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
- Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
- God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
- Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
- If Facebook is like dating, then Twitter is like a one night stand – it’s fun while you’re doing it, you finish in like 5 minutes, and you feel real cheap afterwards.
- Lary is wondering if they could invent a self cleaning oven, why can’t they invent a self cleaning house?
- If vegetarians eat only vegetables, what about humanitarians?
- Facebook is the adult way of having imaginary friends.
- Good friends will bail you out of jail. Best friends will be sitting in the cell with you, laughing about how awesome that just was.
- I never make the same mistake twice. Three, four times maybe. But never twice.
- Facebook, because time isn’t going to kill itself.
- Just finished deleting some friends on Facebook, if you can read this then you got lucky.
- Is there a rehab for Facebook addiction?
- Stealing other people’s statuses on Facebook is called a Facelift.
- I never get mad when i see my ex with someone else because i was always taught to recycle my old trash.
- I never get mad when i see my ex with someone else because i was always taught to recycle my old trash.
- I had my DNA analyzed. It came back with four main components. Bacon, Chocolate, Coffee & Crazy.
- I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, If I die next Tuesday.
- When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
- Women are like police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession.
- When someone adds me as a friend on Facebook, the first thing I do is go through all their pictures.
- Rumors are carried by haters, spread by fools, and accepted by idiots..
- Bad decisions make good stories. No wonder people find me so entertaining..
- I hate when my mind wont shut up when I’m trying to sleep..
- If there is no chocolate in heaven…”I AM NOT GOING”.
- Dear smartphones, why can`t you charge yourself? Sincerely, you`re not so smart after all.
- If you want to commit suicide, you should jump down from your ego to your IQ.
- It used to be, “Can I have your number”? Now it’s, Do you have Facebook..
- just found out that if you hold Ctrl and w for 10 seconds it turns your Facebook page from Blue to Red
- I think all woman can agree that bigger is better. Nobody wants a small bank account
- Tired of everyone talking about their feelings on Facebook lol..
- You don’t have to like me, I’m not a Facebook status.
- Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet…
- If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.
- Finally found out that the plant I’ve been watering isn’t real…
- One of my mom’s rules growing up was never to write on walls, well apparently Facebook doesn’t have that rule.
- Ah, Facebook, where it is socially acceptable to talk to a wall…
- If someone throws a rock at you, throw a flower back at them, but, make sure the flower is still in the pot..
- Laziness is my middle name.
- Dear Ceiling Fan, If you could hold my weight, i would never be bored again. Sincerely, Bored.
- Between Facebook texting, tweeting and email, I haven’t spoken a word in the last 3 years.
- Men are like BLUETOOTH connection, when UR beside them they stay connected but when you are away they search for new devices.
- When you really want to slap someone, do it and say “mosquito.”
- Your time, energy and love is precious make sure that it is not wasted and preciously invested when dating.
- It’s just Facebook, I wish people would keep it real and stop frontin.
- A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, i am afraid of widths.
- You don’t have to like me, I’m not a Facebook status.
- Congratulations!! You are the 100th person to view my status. To see your prize please click Control + W.
- I wish I could google “things to eat in my “fridge” so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed.
- Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don’t know.
- If people have a problem with u, always remember, it is THEIR problem..
- Don’t be afraid to make mistakes..
- The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
- Vote Up Vote Down My Facebook wall is broken.
- All work and no play, will make you a manager.
- If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
- Why can’t shampoo and conditioner run out at the same time?
- It`s too late to apologize. The damage is done.
- you`re sorry ? that`s cool. go write a book about it and let someone who actually cares read it.
- Why does paper beat rock? if you hold a paper in front of your face and i throw a rock at it who wins?
- If bar tenders aren’t allowed to sell alcohol to drunk people, then McDonald’s shouldn’t be allowed to sell food to fat people.
- My friend has just updated his status saying. Is balancing on the edge of a cliff.. So i poked him.
- I’m the kind of person who bumps into inanimate objects, says, Oops, I’m sorry. And doesn’t stop to ask himself why he’s talking to a wall.
- Next time someone presses the elevator button you’ve already pressed, act totally impressed and tell them they did it waaaay better than you..
- thinks that facebook should change the status question from “what’s on your mind?” to “what’s your problem today?”
- Women are like boats: they require constant maintenance and attention, and they cost a lot of money. Men are like buses: another one will eventually come along.
- Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
- Beauty isn’t measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear, but what we are inside ..So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the admiration!
- It’s raining, It’s pouring. Facebook is boring. I’m bored to death, I’m going to bed, hopefully we’ll meet in the morning!
- Do you know why a previous relationship is called EX? It`s not the term for the past. EX is short for EXpired..
- That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and you end up walking in the same direction.
- Why do you talk so fast?” “Why do you listen so slow?”
- I don`t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
- Life is hard normally, but its harder if you are Stupid.
- Hey, I found your Nose, it was in my business again.
- Never Say Neverrr, you just said it twice ?
- Is your name Summer.? because you are as hot as hell.
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